This is going to be a dumb post full of angsty rawr. Just like I’m 18 and a whiny bitch huh?
Every single guy I’ve been with has been the use them and lose them type thing. And “been with” doesn’t mean fucked, more of the “chosen one for the night” type thing. Sounds way better. But even my drunken self has limits, so I’m a good person like that…. sometimes. Go figure that because I’m female I try really hard to make it last after that. My mind thinks “well, you hooked them drunk, maybe a little extra effort can get something started!”, and every fucking time we have this period where we have that left over connection, but nobody gets forward and nothing happens. Ever. I’ve never had a real boyfriend. God knows I have some fun attachment issues, but I’d like to work that out.
More so I’d like to find a good way to work over my potential real problem: being in love with “Mark”. Mark being my best friend and all…. it’s not going to happen. No matter who my flavor of the week is, when I think of the future I think of us together. He doesn’t. He makes me laugh more than anyone else ever could, he makes me cry more than he could possibly know, and he makes me angrier than I knew I could be, but fuck it I love him. Being friends with someone for 12 years can do that I guess. I know him better than anyone and I know he hates that. I’m fairly sure he’s not that big of a fan of me being the one there for him, but he should have picked better way back when I guess. I don’t even know how this happened. We talked a while ago, constantly on AIM. I guess when you find out more about someone than they want you to know you get forced into a trust.
Being replaced so openly is rough. Knowing he doesn’t care is worse. After he moves…. I don’t know. I told him “you know, this is the last summer like this. When we can just drive around and watch our dumb shit every night and see each other every day.” and his answer was “it happens.”.
That boy is so good at tearing me down and its worse because he fucking knows it.